Over the past three months, I have been going through some major personal and health issues. I have suffered with severe depression with even thoughts of suicide. I felt a sixth sense about my future and my families’ home lives. I have been trying hard to keep my faith with the Lord’s help, though there have been many tears and decision making.

I have been living a vicious cycle of crushed dreams. Originally, I thought my youngest daughter had finally found someone to help her make her life complete. How wrong I was. I thought my daughter would be more understanding with her husband knowing he had pending brain surgery to stop the seizures from his epilepsy. She didn’t completely understand what it means “……., for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health….”. They are now separated. My son in law had his 2 brain surgeries this past two weeks ago. My daughter was not by his side at the out of town hospital. I am ashamed of my youngest daughter and her actions towards her husband and also towards me. I have listened to the last screaming argument from my daughter left on my answering machine or to me personally. She has been disrespectful me too many times. I take part of the responsibility of letting it go on so many years. No parent is perfect I had to learn. I asked for help from my ex-husband, her father. He said he would help. Little did I know he was going behind my back and talking against me to my youngest daughter. He tells me we are “best friends” and he cares about me. I can not believe his lies anymore and he has a bunch of them he has told.

I had to gain my self confidence back somehow. A real life outside my little box of existence too. I started realizing that I was the only one that can make the changes to my life with God’s help. I couldn’t just sit back and keep living the way I had been living for the past 10 years since I moved to Ohio from Florida. I asked God to reveal to me about my family members as people and not just my blood relations plus my “best” friends. I have been going through some major shocks at the revelations shown to me. I am getting a clearer understanding about myself and what I have tolerated way too long that has affected my life. Handling mostly negative junk has been a bunch of nonsense that has affected me to having bad thoughts about myself. When I let too many negative people in my life, I have emotional overload and I start being negative and overwhelmed. On the average I have always felt that I was a basic happy person on the outside to other people. I have tried to hide behind an “everything is doing okay” facade till my world starts getting out of control emotionally. I retreat into my own little world and don’t want to talk to anyone a lot of the time. Gradually I start talking myself out of the bad thoughts each day. It is not easy to live with depression or medications that numb your feelings for too long. When people start taking advantage of me and I let it keep happening, it is my fault for not realizing sooner. However it is hard to realize it if you are so medicated to the point of numbness in the heart strings.

Continue to Shattered Dreams – Part 2