Today, July 30th, I made a decision after test driving some more cars. I found the right car for me. It is not a brand new 2010 or 2009. After careful consideration and checking 3 towns and the internet, I decided to buy locally from a small car lot and not a big dealership. I purchased a 2001 Chevrolet Malibu which only had a little over 52,000 miles. It had one female owner and it appeared to have been garage kept or covered. Incredibly clean car inside and out. The engine purrs like a kitten..lol. Great tires on it. I love the roominess for your legs in front and back seating area. Also has a big trunk. A spare tire that has never been used. I prayed about this car for 2 days before purchasing it. I really feel I got the best deal for my money.
After looking at 2006 up to 2008 cars at the recommendation of my personal banker, I could not find a car which had under 100,000 miles nor reasonably priced to fit my budget. So I will call my personal banker tomorrow and advised him I do not need the bank loan, plus I saved myself a $75 loan fee. He can go buy a $14,000 to $22,000 car with over 100,000 miles and pay payments for 60 months. Not me, no way!
God is watching over me. I am so sure of that. I feel great about my purchase of the Malibu. I have the freedom to get out of the house and not have to ask somebody else for a ride or to use his truck. This is a wonderful feeling! Thanks God for blessing me of my new car.
When we moved to Ohio, I thought my ex-husband and I were going to get remarried. We had discussed it. Within the first 30 days, he had a new girlfriend at his new job. I should have known then that it would be heartache between each other. We stayed in the same house, separate bedrooms, to raise our daughter for the past 10 years as we agreed till she moved out after graduation or go off to college. We both kept that agreement though it was not a wise one in hindsight. We also over the years had talked about sitting on our front porch and holding our grandchildren when we got older. We both now know that dream is over. Our daughter has announced to us that she isn’t going to have any children and she is going to a doctor. In some ways it was my last straw to hang onto my ex-husband. He now has a girlfriend and is dating. It is extremely hard watching him go out the door headed on a date. I can see in the near future that he will move in with his girlfriend. He is acting so different towards me, no longer the “best” friend. We are more like stranger passing in the house, hardly speaking.
I have to prepare myself for that moment when he moves out. It is inevitable as I can no longer live this way. I have to move on with my life now more than ever. Since I have had some physical therapy on my left arm and shoulder, it is slowly strengthening. I was sick with a virus for a little over two weeks, slowed shoulder progress. Being a diabetic stinks when it comes to get a virus, zaps the energy right out of your body and can’t eat. I lost 10 pounds in 8 days. I dropped a whole pants size. Can’t lose too fast cause it will affect my health plus I can’t afford new clothes. I went to the First Care then the Emergency Room at the hospital for breathing treatments. Two doctors had two different diagnosis, pneumonia or asthma. Another health issue I was dealing with was a re-ultrasound to check if the lump in my left breast had increased or decreased within 6 months since the last checkup. I am happy to announce that I am cancer free in my breasts, cyst shrunk. I have also fired my general physician. He tried to send me to a surgeon without talking to me first about his reason. I received papers in the mail from the surgeon with the date and time to be there. I had never heard of that surgeon and thought they mailed them to the wrong person. There are 3 women in my town with my name. My now former physician had ordered a lumpectomy. Little did he know I had copies of the January and July ultrasound reports and a letter from the radiologist saying I was cancer free, no indication of cancer, benign finding. So why would he order a lumpectomy when he only would see me in his office for 10 to 20 SECONDS and charge me $138 a visit? I was sick and tired of his non caring attitude. So I fired him and ordered that the appointment to the surgeon be canceled by him since he ordered it. I will pick up my medical records soon from his office for my new doctor. A new health plex opened with new doctors, both general and gyn, recently in our town. I look forward to having two new doctors. I pray both will care about me as a patient and not as a number and dollar signs. Wish me luck.
In between all this emotional roller coaster I have been looking for a car to buy. My ex-husband had told me my old van was in worse condition than it was. It was going to cost a lot of money to fix. So it has sat since January in front of my house on the street. I saw an acquaintance from church. She is in a wheelchair. I asked her about her old van and how she getting around. She told me her old van was in bad shape and her new boyfriend was trying to get it running again. I told her about my old van not running. She told me that her boyfriend could take a look at it and probably be able to fix it. I told her all the problems that my ex had said was wrong with it. She asked me if I wanted to get rid of it. I told her I didn’t really want to put any more money in the van that she could have it if Henry could get it to run and make it work for her hand gear controls. Henry came over 4 days later and he and my ex worked on getting it started. The noise Henry said he could fix. I told him to tell Jen to call me when he got it to her house. She called and thanked me for my generosity. She called me the next day and told me Henry got everything fixed on the van. I couldn’t hardly believe what I heard was the only 2 things wrongs on the van. My ex husband sure told me wrong. I should have had a mechanic check the van a long time ago. So now, I have been on a mission to get me a economical 4 door sedan. Between visiting dealerships, car lots and looking on the internet, my head is spinning with trying to make a decision. My bank has approved me for a huge amount at great interest rate for 60 months. I don’t want to go over my set budget amount per month and how long the loan will be in case my ex moves out. I don’t want to be financially strapped anymore than I am. One day I will be moving myself. Anyway, I will keep you posted when I find the “right” car. Please hang in there with me as I continue to make major changes in my life.
Over the past three months, I have been going through some major personal and health issues. I have suffered with severe depression with even thoughts of suicide. I felt a sixth sense about my future and my families’ home lives. I have been trying hard to keep my faith with the Lord’s help, though there have been many tears and decision making.
I have been living a vicious cycle of crushed dreams. Originally, I thought my youngest daughter had finally found someone to help her make her life complete. How wrong I was. I thought my daughter would be more understanding with her husband knowing he had pending brain surgery to stop the seizures from his epilepsy. She didn’t completely understand what it means “……., for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health….”. They are now separated. My son in law had his 2 brain surgeries this past two weeks ago. My daughter was not by his side at the out of town hospital. I am ashamed of my youngest daughter and her actions towards her husband and also towards me. I have listened to the last screaming argument from my daughter left on my answering machine or to me personally. She has been disrespectful me too many times. I take part of the responsibility of letting it go on so many years. No parent is perfect I had to learn. I asked for help from my ex-husband, her father. He said he would help. Little did I know he was going behind my back and talking against me to my youngest daughter. He tells me we are “best friends” and he cares about me. I can not believe his lies anymore and he has a bunch of them he has told.
I had to gain my self confidence back somehow. A real life outside my little box of existence too. I started realizing that I was the only one that can make the changes to my life with God’s help. I couldn’t just sit back and keep living the way I had been living for the past 10 years since I moved to Ohio from Florida. I asked God to reveal to me about my family members as people and not just my blood relations plus my “best” friends. I have been going through some major shocks at the revelations shown to me. I am getting a clearer understanding about myself and what I have tolerated way too long that has affected my life. Handling mostly negative junk has been a bunch of nonsense that has affected me to having bad thoughts about myself. When I let too many negative people in my life, I have emotional overload and I start being negative and overwhelmed. On the average I have always felt that I was a basic happy person on the outside to other people. I have tried to hide behind an “everything is doing okay” facade till my world starts getting out of control emotionally. I retreat into my own little world and don’t want to talk to anyone a lot of the time. Gradually I start talking myself out of the bad thoughts each day. It is not easy to live with depression or medications that numb your feelings for too long. When people start taking advantage of me and I let it keep happening, it is my fault for not realizing sooner. However it is hard to realize it if you are so medicated to the point of numbness in the heart strings.
Continue to Shattered Dreams – Part 2
