This Christmas was so different than the past 29 years. This one was the first Christmas to wake up to not having children in the house being all excited at opening Christmas presents. It felt so strange not having one of my daughters at home. Now that they both are grown and living on their own or married. It is simply too quiet here in my house.

My recumbent bike was put together and rode it the every first day. Been trying to ride each day to get started on a daily routine of exercise. I feel so much better getting started on my diet and exercise routine.

I had a few disappointments on Christmas. I didn’t receive even a Christmas card from my two brothers and their families nor my oldest daughter. I have always sent cards and gifts to each of them, but I sent a card to both of my brothers this year. My oldest daughter I sent money and gifts. She always seems to have an excuse for the past three years for the very delayed or tardy Christmas card or presents. I have even received something near the end of January. I do get my annual late night call on Christmas night, not Christmas eve. She tells me about all the gifts she and her friends and extended family have exchanged with each other. As I listen to her tell me about all the festivities, I feel very sad inside and quietly start crying. I try hard to not let her hear me cry. She won’t understand the pain I feel in my heart at not being able to see her or hug her or see her face as she opens my presents. She doesn’t understand the pain I feel about her telling me about the gifts and cards she got from other people and also what she got them and I received nothing, not even a card.

She called me today to thank me for my gift. I guess I didn’t want to hear any more excuses as to why she can’t send me anything. I am not trying to be selfish, just tired of being forgotten. I feel like I am the last thing on her mind and not thought of earlier in the day due to her calling between 9:30 up to as late as 11:00 PM at night. I ALWAYS call my Mom on Christmas morning. I never want my Mom to ever feel like she is not loved or forgotten, like I do from my children.

Now that Christmas is over, my youngest daughter is back to her old normal self. She is back to being her usual controlling self. If things don’t go her way, she talks disrespectful to me. I tried doing something nice for her and in return she ended up calling me a not so nice name. Being near deaf and I wear earring aids. Unfortunately one of my earring aids quit working today and also the battery fell down inside the earring aid didn’t help. They are almost 10 years old. I misunderstood something my daughter said because she talks way too fast for me sometimes after asking her repeatedly to slow down her speech when she talks to me and she won’t. However, when someone is disabled and the other person is mean and calls them a retard, I totally dislike that. The mean person shows no respect or compassion for a disabled person. However when someone tried to do something nice for the mean person and it ends up back firing in their face, it makes it hard to trust people. That is what happened to me, I don’t trust a lot of people including family members because of their meanness. Name calling is cruel especially to someone that is disabled or handicap and should not be tolerated anymore.

For the year of 2009, I am making my New Year’s Resolution list:

Lose weight
Exercise more
Take better care of my health
Not tolerate mean people
Not be other people’s doormat
Be kinder to myself
Love myself more