On Aug. 12, 2009, I kicked my ex-husband out of my house. We have be “supposed best friends” for the past 10 years. He has been a constant liar. He wanted his 32 year old girlfriend and still live in the same house with me. No way was this kind of friendship going to continue. So I kicked him to the curb.

On Aug. 13, 2009, I went and picked up my 6 year old godson, Chayton, in my “new” car. I have been wanting to spend time with him since last December 2008. Due to not having a vehicle to use for the past 7 months, I have missed him so much. We spent some quality time together for 5 days. On Aug. 17th, I even took him to the County Fair and let him ride the kiddy rides. As a special treat, we went to the circus at the fair. He had so much fun and really enjoyed himself at his 1st fair and circus. The time went by so fast with Chayton. I sure hated to drive him back home to his aunt’s house, because I knew he and I both would end up crying in the end. He know I am moving. He doesn’t want me to move.

This evening, I brought a bunch of boxes home from the grocery stores. I am really going to have to get serious about moving. I have 3 families interested now in my house. There is drywall repair or new to be put up in the closet of the room that my ex used to stored his train sets and track accessories and his tin collection. The room needs to be repainted. The carpet is a mess. I trusted him too much about his cleanliness in that room.

There is so much to pack, clean out for throwaway, things to be sorted for yard sale. Decisions to be made. My beloved pets as to what to do with them. My two oldest cats are 16 years old and I have had them since their birth.

As to the final date I will be living in my house, I am not sure. What to do with all my belongings till I get settled some place. With my limited income and health issues, I am going to have to really plan my move.

Tomorrow the 1st family will be here at 10 AM to really look at my house. I can only plan one day at a time to keep my sanity, however time is limited too. Seems everyone wants the house yesterday. I will know more after tomorrow.

Ever since my ex husband was on my computer a week ago, it has started having problems. I have sent MANY hours trying to solve the problem. I even called a friend’s house trying to reach him to find out how to fix the problem. No luck and no return call to my message I left. I pray my friend is doing okay.

It is frustrating when I try hard to keep the computer maintained and my ex did not pay attention that the processor was on. He pushed the button on the processor when the computer was in the process of doing a scan under my sign in. It has caused damage where I can not access my sign in or get booted off while it is trying to sign in after showing the program and the location of the problem. I can not do a system restore either and I am the system’s administrator. I can not access that area either. This is a huge frustrating mess that he has caused me. I pray no one has paid for merchandise on my website during this past week. I am trying to find a way to access the information and email accounts.

I have now banned him from access to my computer. Now to see what more I can do to straighten out the mess. Bear with me till I get it done. Thanks!

Today, July 30th, I made a decision after test driving some more cars. I found the right car for me. It is not a brand new 2010 or 2009. After careful consideration and checking 3 towns and the internet, I decided to buy locally from a small car lot and not a big dealership. I purchased a 2001 Chevrolet Malibu which only had a little over 52,000 miles. It had one female owner and it appeared to have been garage kept or covered. Incredibly clean car inside and out. The engine purrs like a kitten..lol. Great tires on it. I love the roominess for your legs in front and back seating area. Also has a big trunk. A spare tire that has never been used. I prayed about this car for 2 days before purchasing it. I really feel I got the best deal for my money.

After looking at 2006 up to 2008 cars at the recommendation of my personal banker, I could not find a car which had under 100,000 miles nor reasonably priced to fit my budget. So I will call my personal banker tomorrow and advised him I do not need the bank loan, plus I saved myself a $75 loan fee. He can go buy a $14,000 to $22,000 car with over 100,000 miles and pay payments for 60 months. Not me, no way!

God is watching over me. I am so sure of that. I feel great about my purchase of the Malibu. I have the freedom to get out of the house and not have to ask somebody else for a ride or to use his truck. This is a wonderful feeling! Thanks God for blessing me of my new car.

When we moved to Ohio, I thought my ex-husband and I were going to get remarried. We had discussed it. Within the first 30 days, he had a new girlfriend at his new job. I should have known then that it would be heartache between each other. We stayed in the same house, separate bedrooms, to raise our daughter for the past 10 years as we agreed till she moved out after graduation or go off to college. We both kept that agreement though it was not a wise one in hindsight. We also over the years had talked about sitting on our front porch and holding our grandchildren when we got older. We both now know that dream is over. Our daughter has announced to us that she isn’t going to have any children and she is going to a doctor. In some ways it was my last straw to hang onto my ex-husband. He now has a girlfriend and is dating. It is extremely hard watching him go out the door headed on a date. I can see in the near future that he will move in with his girlfriend. He is acting so different towards me, no longer the “best” friend. We are more like stranger passing in the house, hardly speaking.

I have to prepare myself for that moment when he moves out. It is inevitable as I can no longer live this way. I have to move on with my life now more than ever. Since I have had some physical therapy on my left arm and shoulder, it is slowly strengthening. I was sick with a virus for a little over two weeks, slowed shoulder progress. Being a diabetic stinks when it comes to get a virus, zaps the energy right out of your body and can’t eat. I lost 10 pounds in 8 days. I dropped a whole pants size. Can’t lose too fast cause it will affect my health plus I can’t afford new clothes. I went to the First Care then the Emergency Room at the hospital for breathing treatments. Two doctors had two different diagnosis, pneumonia or asthma. Another health issue I was dealing with was a re-ultrasound to check if the lump in my left breast had increased or decreased within 6 months since the last checkup. I am happy to announce that I am cancer free in my breasts, cyst shrunk. I have also fired my general physician. He tried to send me to a surgeon without talking to me first about his reason. I received papers in the mail from the surgeon with the date and time to be there. I had never heard of that surgeon and thought they mailed them to the wrong person. There are 3 women in my town with my name. My now former physician had ordered a lumpectomy. Little did he know I had copies of the January and July ultrasound reports and a letter from the radiologist saying I was cancer free, no indication of cancer, benign finding. So why would he order a lumpectomy when he only would see me in his office for 10 to 20 SECONDS and charge me $138 a visit? I was sick and tired of his non caring attitude. So I fired him and ordered that the appointment to the surgeon be canceled by him since he ordered it. I will pick up my medical records soon from his office for my new doctor. A new health plex opened with new doctors, both general and gyn, recently in our town. I look forward to having two new doctors. I pray both will care about me as a patient and not as a number and dollar signs. Wish me luck.

In between all this emotional roller coaster I have been looking for a car to buy. My ex-husband had told me my old van was in worse condition than it was. It was going to cost a lot of money to fix. So it has sat since January in front of my house on the street. I saw an acquaintance from church. She is in a wheelchair. I asked her about her old van and how she getting around. She told me her old van was in bad shape and her new boyfriend was trying to get it running again. I told her about my old van not running. She told me that her boyfriend could take a look at it and probably be able to fix it. I told her all the problems that my ex had said was wrong with it. She asked me if I wanted to get rid of it. I told her I didn’t really want to put any more money in the van that she could have it if Henry could get it to run and make it work for her hand gear controls. Henry came over 4 days later and he and my ex worked on getting it started. The noise Henry said he could fix. I told him to tell Jen to call me when he got it to her house. She called and thanked me for my generosity. She called me the next day and told me Henry got everything fixed on the van. I couldn’t hardly believe what I heard was the only 2 things wrongs on the van. My ex husband sure told me wrong. I should have had a mechanic check the van a long time ago. So now, I have been on a mission to get me a economical 4 door sedan. Between visiting dealerships, car lots and looking on the internet, my head is spinning with trying to make a decision. My bank has approved me for a huge amount at great interest rate for 60 months. I don’t want to go over my set budget amount per month and how long the loan will be in case my ex moves out. I don’t want to be financially strapped anymore than I am. One day I will be moving myself. Anyway, I will keep you posted when I find the “right” car. Please hang in there with me as I continue to make major changes in my life.

Over the past three months, I have been going through some major personal and health issues. I have suffered with severe depression with even thoughts of suicide. I felt a sixth sense about my future and my families’ home lives. I have been trying hard to keep my faith with the Lord’s help, though there have been many tears and decision making.

I have been living a vicious cycle of crushed dreams. Originally, I thought my youngest daughter had finally found someone to help her make her life complete. How wrong I was. I thought my daughter would be more understanding with her husband knowing he had pending brain surgery to stop the seizures from his epilepsy. She didn’t completely understand what it means “……., for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health….”. They are now separated. My son in law had his 2 brain surgeries this past two weeks ago. My daughter was not by his side at the out of town hospital. I am ashamed of my youngest daughter and her actions towards her husband and also towards me. I have listened to the last screaming argument from my daughter left on my answering machine or to me personally. She has been disrespectful me too many times. I take part of the responsibility of letting it go on so many years. No parent is perfect I had to learn. I asked for help from my ex-husband, her father. He said he would help. Little did I know he was going behind my back and talking against me to my youngest daughter. He tells me we are “best friends” and he cares about me. I can not believe his lies anymore and he has a bunch of them he has told.

I had to gain my self confidence back somehow. A real life outside my little box of existence too. I started realizing that I was the only one that can make the changes to my life with God’s help. I couldn’t just sit back and keep living the way I had been living for the past 10 years since I moved to Ohio from Florida. I asked God to reveal to me about my family members as people and not just my blood relations plus my “best” friends. I have been going through some major shocks at the revelations shown to me. I am getting a clearer understanding about myself and what I have tolerated way too long that has affected my life. Handling mostly negative junk has been a bunch of nonsense that has affected me to having bad thoughts about myself. When I let too many negative people in my life, I have emotional overload and I start being negative and overwhelmed. On the average I have always felt that I was a basic happy person on the outside to other people. I have tried to hide behind an “everything is doing okay” facade till my world starts getting out of control emotionally. I retreat into my own little world and don’t want to talk to anyone a lot of the time. Gradually I start talking myself out of the bad thoughts each day. It is not easy to live with depression or medications that numb your feelings for too long. When people start taking advantage of me and I let it keep happening, it is my fault for not realizing sooner. However it is hard to realize it if you are so medicated to the point of numbness in the heart strings.

Continue to Shattered Dreams – Part 2

I received a phone call on Saturday from Jane telling me she was admitted to the hospital on Friday because of blood clots in her legs. Dr. Knight had ordered an ultrasound and the results came back with clots from her ankle up to her groin. She had been suspecting clots for the past month, because of the continued swelling and pain. I feel so sorry for Jane having to go through so much. She didn’t get to really enjoy her visit with her son that just got here late Thursday night. He left on Sunday around noon.

Garnet and I went to see Jane this afternoon. She was so delighted to see us both. She was smiling as if she was not experiencing any pain. She informed us she was being given medications for the pain and to thin her blood and another to dissolve the clots. Jane offered her car again to me to borrow. She is so nice and sweet to do that for me. Our visit was short, because Garnet had to preach this afternoon at the senior apartment complex. I pray Jane gets better soon. Garnet said prayer over Jane and her health. I thanked Garnet on the way to the apartment complex.

With the stress I was under this past week, I took an R & R day mostly. I really needed it. I got my MRI results from my doctor. He said “it looks like bone crushed up against bone in your shoulder” and “it would take time to heal”.

I was not pleased with the answer my doctor gave me. I was confused. If bone is crushed up against bone, where is the cartilage or the thin inner lining (synovium) of the joint allowing the smooth motion of my shoulder joint? How can that just “take time to heal”?

I further asked him about why he did not order any kind of xray on my painful sternum problem. He again stated “I did not feel it was necessary, since it is “cartilage” (false ribs).” I continued to ask him how can cartilage be this painful when I roll on my side in my sleep that it wakes me up with a sharp acute pain. He said “he didn’t know”.

As I sat there listening to his “excuses” for not treating the two painful problems I am experiencing and charging me for two office visits at $135 per visit plus the MRI cost and the radiology doctor bill who reads the MRI. I was not happy with what I was told basically I have to just live with the pain, the grinding in my left shoulder, the limited range of upward movement from the side AND the immediate pain in my breastbone or rib area, the popping sound of what sounds like 2 ribs hitting each other when I move wrong. I requested to be referred to an orthopaedic surgeon. Since I have already seen 3 of the orthopaedic surgeons at the center, I figured what could it hurt to get another professional opinion from a group of surgeons I have trusted in the past.

I was informed by my doctor’s nurse that she would call me with an appointment to a orthopaedic surgeon. That was on Wednesday and now it is Friday, still no phone call from my doctor’s office. I maybe getting a new regular doctor if I keep getting the run around. My youngest daughter finally got a new physician after my doctor made a serious misdiagnosis on her. Anyway on Monday, I will be calling and seeing if they did set up an appointment for me to see one of the othopaedic surgeons.

I have been doing some research about areas of my body that are experiencing the pain. Orthopaedic surgeons provide treatment to the musculoskeletal due to injuries and diseases of the bones, joints, ligaments, tendons and muscles. I feel like I am going in the right direction in getting proper medical care. If the orthopaedic surgeon tells me that it is just osteoarthritis in my shoulder, I want a solution to what can be done. I am already taking alendronate sodium tablets USP 70 mg (generic for Fosamax) once a week for my osteoporosis and also calcium 600 mg with vitamin D 400 IU twice a day.

So today, I just took it easy most of the day. I even laid down and took a nap this afternoon. I am feeling better and not using my arm so much today, the pain is a little better in my arm. Will keep you updated as I know more.

When I do not get enough rest and I have had to get up very early the last two days, my mind and body are really starting to feel overwhelmed. I thank God that George went through his heart cath procedure wonderful on Monday. The doctor even let George go home later that afternoon.

I came home from the hospital after his procedure and found on my answering machine several messages from my friend, Betty. I had forgotten we were suppose to meet that morning for Bible Breakfast. I had told her about George being in the hospital the day before and he was having the heart cath. I figured she would have realized where I was, nope she didn’t. The final message was she was clearly upset with me for “not returning her call”. I did call her back as soon as I heard all her messages. I explained how early we had got up and gone to the hospital. It took a bit to calm her down, she still wanted me to meet with her. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep the night before. There are still too many noisy, loud music cars driving in my neighborhood on and off all night. The police still have not increased patrol as they promised me or else they would be ticketing or arresting the drivers. Anyway, I begged off with Betty and apologized.

As I laid on my bed trying to take a nap, thoughts kept running through my head about how precious time is with Betty and Jane. Betty will be 90 years old in October. Jane just turned 89 in February. Both ladies have always been very active in the community and many organizations. I know I should have gone anyway with Betty. Guilt seems to plague my mind, but I have to take care of my health too.

I got up early Tuesday after another restless nights sleep. Around 8:15 my doctor’s office called about my MRI results. The nurse told me that the doctor requested for me to come into his office to discuss my MRI results. This kind of request is never good news. I informed the nurse I could not come in till Wednesday due to I had other plans already. After I hung up the phone, I sat on the side of my bed praying that this did not mean surgery.

I had asked a family member to help me today get Jane moved from the nursing home over to the rehab assisted living home. I was so amazed at how well she is walking now since she had broke her femur on April 24th. I was concerned about Jane coming out of the nursing home temperature to the outside temperature of 91. Today was the hottest day so far this year. Thank goodness Jane wanted me to bring her car, it has a great air conditioning. Jane wanted to do a few errands and go out to a simple lunch before going to the rehab assisted living home. So my family member stated he would take all the belonging over and take them to her room and just go back home. Then Jane and I had some time to ourselves for the next few hours. She also wanted to go by her condo and get a few more things. I really enjoyed my time with Jane, talking and laughing. However as the time was going by so quickly, we both realized all her suitcases had to be emptied. So we headed to the rehab assisted living home. For the next hour, I spent unpacking her belongings. After I finished, I was exhausted from the whole day and the heat from getting in and out of the car plus assisting Jane. Jane was kind enough to let me take her car home. I will be seeing her again in two days to take her for another outing.

I knew my house would be warm from the hot day and decided to eat dinner out since I was getting light headed. I enjoyed a nice tuna salad on a bed of lettuce and fruit plate of strawberries, grapes and pineapple. I am glad I ate out, because when I got home it was 87 degrees in my house. Guess it is getting to be the time to put the window air conditioning units in. Taking a nice cool shower and going to bed. Tomorrow I have to go to doctor for the MRI results on my left shoulder in the morning. Nite.

For two days, I have been trying to figure out what I downloaded or updated. My ISP provides McAfee Security Center for its customers. Previously they provided Norton Security Suite and decided to make a change after the ISP’s system was hacked. I never had a problem with the Norton. Now that I have McAfee on my system, many things are popping up including a recent attack on my system by a Generic PUP.z. The path was in my C drive and the i386 folder. The PUP stands for potentially unwanted programs. Yesterday, I followed the McAfee instructions for “fixing” the problem. It required a restart on my computer, which I did.

Today, I received another alert from McAfee that another Generic PUP.z was attacking my system. This time I noticed the path was different in my C drive. It was in my System Volume Information folder, then the Restore. Again, I followed McAfee removal instructions. I checked my Protection Status Report as I did yesterday and it states my system is protected. I wonder how it came back today.

I have been searching the web for a solution of removing Generic PUP.z. If you have had any problems with this attacking your system and have found a solution on the removal, please let me know. From what I have read on it, it will not infect or inject your computer from mine.

Another roller coaster week concerning the health of loved ones and friends. Rev. Garnet had to go to the emergency room last Thursday night for breathing problems. A friend, Marvin, from Club Jesus went to the Lord this past week from Stage 4 cancer. Marvin only found out he had cancer 5 weeks before. Reminds me of how short life is and to live it to the fullest.

Thursday, I had my MRI on my left shoulder. I was surprised my doctor did not order anything about my sternum or ribs. I was told my results on the MRI I would hear from my doctor. I am having trouble sleeping when I roll on my left shoulder or the pain in my chest area around my sternum or ribs starts up. My doctor did not prescribe any pain killers. I am taking 2 Acetaminophen 650 mg each. It seems the only thing I can take to help the pain. I normally take one for my arthritis daily.

This Friday, my ex-father-in-law was having chest pains but waited till his wife got off work to say anything. She took him to the emergency room immediately as soon as she was told. Nitroglycerin patch was put on him in emergency room. He was admitted. Due to the weekend the hospital does not perform heart caths. So on Monday, a heart cath will be performed on him early in morning. He has at the present time, 3 different medications being injected through his IV. The nitroglycerin patch was taken off in his room when the IV was connected. He just had his 73rd birthday a few weeks ago.

We all are suppose to go to Michigan near the end of the month for my ex-husband’s brother’s 50th birthday party. Seems odds are against us. My ex and my son-in-law can not get off work to go to Michigan. Now my ex-father-in-law, George, in the hospital. Called my ex-brother-in-law, Ed, to tell him of his biological dad was in the hospital. We may have to make other arrangements for another weekend to all go up to see Ed and celebrate. For now, we all just have to play it by ear.

I called my niece tonight to see how her Uncle Rick was doing since his car accident three weeks ago. Her husband answered and said she was in Florida. There was a memorial service for Rick. He had been on life support equipment and the family decided to take him off the machines. Rick lasted only 20 minutes after he was disconnected. Rick was unfortunately drinking when he was driving. He had stopped drinking alcohol for a while, but he started back drinking a few weeks before his accident. As far as the other person that Rick’s car hit, we understand they are doing better. My ex-husband and daughter both knew Rick very well and they are both sad about hearing of Rick’s passing on May 29th. We all just learned about it today. So sad to die so senseless after just seeing his daughter graduate from college. This is a reminder for all people, Don’t drink and drive.